Question: For the past several weeks, I’ve been having nightmares about my phone acting crazy. Should I see a shrink or an exorcist?

Answer:
I would try to enjoy these nightmares for their colorful and bizarre content, and not worry too much. These are anxiety dreams, which are more typically expressed as “examination dreams” where you’re suddenly back in high school taking that old trigonometry exam all over again – while naked. Anxiety is normal, and is your brain’s way of working things out.

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Question: How do I know if those dates are real?

Answer: If the prototype hardware part has been ordered, it’s real. Otherwise, it’s not.

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Question:
Our new project scheduling tool allows exactly one day to write and translate all the manuals for a major new system. Are they nuts? What do I do?

Answer:
Project managers maintain complicated Gantt charts with dependencies in order to foster the illusion that projects follow an orderly process. Projects are more like wild beasts tamed by chairs, and even that only goes so far.

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Question: I have this friend who keeps breaking dates with me at the last possible second. Each time there’s a plausible reason, but I’m beginning to wonder what’s really going on.

Answer:
Welcome to the Land of Excuses, where good intentions count as reality. The old saying “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” can be appended with “roofed with excuses, and wallpapered over with rationalizations.”

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Question: I’m feeling totally steamrollered at work and don’t see any way out.

Answer:
It’s a question of being on the bus or off the bus, as Ken Kesey might have said. Corporations are a bit like a juggernaut, meaning an unstoppable force. A juggernaut is actually a wheeled chariot that rolls on, uncontrollably, crushing everyone in its path. So, much better to be “on the bus” in this case.

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Question: What do I do when people on the project team all want custom versions of the same doc for different purposes?

Answer:
Never, ever have multiple concurrent versions of a document active/released at the same time. Try to find out why they want it first.

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Question: Everyone at my workplace has a glazed look in their eye and they repeat industry slogans with a fervor that’s truly frightening. I mean, I believe in our mission, too, but I feel like I’ve joined a cult.

Answer:
That’s because you have. Modern companies expect you to be a total fan-boy of whatever it is they’re selling. Even beyond that, they want you to feel that their mission is the most compelling thing on the planet. They seek to foster a sense of loyalty so intense that you’d literally rather die than leave on your own. This loyalty, however, is often one-sided. That’s what “at-will employment” means.

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Question: Yesterday in yoga, the instructor told us to dedicate our practice “for the benefit of all beings” but there are a lot of beings out there, and I’m just not feelin’ it.

Answer:
Yoga teachers earnestly put forth that we’re working to benefit all beings, everywhere, but no one asks about what happens when those beings are actively working against us. Why, exactly, are we sweating and breathing for the benefit of flaming assholes?

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Question: How is Agile new and different from the old seat-of-the-pants method?

Answer:
Evangelists promote Agile-ish methodologies as the greatest thing since sliced bread. IMO, a tool is only as good as the user, and Agile cannot replace common sense any more than drinking lots of coffee will make you into a genius.

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